Chatter Box

     I have mentioned that I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder as a result I find myself to be socially awkward. One of my biggest problems is that I have a tendency to talk too much. There are a number of reasons behind my tendency to talk so much, such as paranoid or insecure thoughts about what other people are thinking about me. (Social Anxiety) I just seem to have a hard time sitting in silence with people that I don't know very well or that I am meeting for the first time. Interestingly enough I often find myself worrying about annoying people when I am talking too much, I worry that they dislike me, find me boring, or obnoxious. The more I focus on these concerns the more anxious I become and the more I tend to talk. It is only made worse by people who don't seem to contribute to the conversation because I find myself trying to fill the gaps and trying to draw out information/conversation from them.
     Other causes of my tendency to talk to much are every day anxiety, manic moods, and hyper-active periods where I experience racing thoughts. During these times I am usually going a mile a minute and may not always be conscious of the impression I am giving people. Everything in my mind is going so fast and I am processing so much information that I tend to just talk, it is almost like an effort to let it all out. During these times I may also skip from topic to topic and return to previous topics as some thought about it pops into my mind, making my conversations difficult to follow. Spending too much time by myself or without another adult to talk to makes it worse, it is almost like I am making up for lost time.
     Last but not least my tendency to talk too much may actually be caused by depression and fear. In the case of depression it must be caused by some recent event in my life to trigger excessive talking and not just a natural lull in my mood. I don't handle major changes to my life very well. I tend face it with a certain amount of fear, particularly fear of failure. When something big happens in my life I tend to obsess and try and talk it out. Unfortunately this means that friends, family, and if the situation is bad/stressful enough strangers are subjected to my ramblings. I turn to other people for their input as to what to do, or what went wrong, seeking to find what is wrong with me that whatever it is happened, or seeking reassurance that I did the right thing, or even on occasion that I did the wrong thing. I seek comfort in others and look for others to share the sort of "it could be worse" experiences, or "you’re lucky it wasn't worse". I am trying to learn to control these tendencies but it seems to be almost a compulsion for me I need and crave others input in sorting out major events.
     No matter what the reason is; the result, depending on the topic of conversation, is often the same people who don’t know me and aren’t really interested in getting to know me think me to be self-centered, self-obsessed, or even nosey due to my attempts to engage them in the conversation. My tendency to share stories that relate to others stories has been mistaken for an attempt to show up others, when in reality it usually is my awkward attempt to relate to that person through similar experiences.
     As a result I tend to stick to a small group of friends, people who have gotten used to me and are comfortable enough to tell me to stop talking. I have few close friends and many acquaintances. I often to give people a chance to get close to me because I tend to operate on the assumption that most people wont like or understand me. For me a simple conversation is rarely just that, my head is always filled with swirling thoughts that I can't seem to control and so for one reason or another I end up talking...usually too much.