The Medication War

     I have know that I have ADHD since I was five years old and that I have Bipolar Disorder since I was thirteen, growing up I took medication for the ADHD. I rarely missed a dose and I never went off of it at least until the doctor took me off when I was about fourteen. Of course back then I had my mother to remind me to take it. I didn't start taking medication for my Bipolar until I was nineteen, I took it faithfully for about four years. Then like many people who have this disorder I began to skip doses or just go off my medication for months at a time. The medications keep me level, almost complacent, I don't feel the extreme lows or highs when I am on it. Over time I begin to miss feeling something more than the complacency or I begin feel to like I don't need the medication because I am doing good. Yes I know, logically, that the medication is why I am doing good but still I stop taking it. It is a hard thing accepting you will have to take medication everyday for the rest of your life just to strive to be normal.
     Invariably something happens that cause me to start taking it again. I have multiple physical health problems and have had surgery, I find that I tend to handle the pain better when I am on my medication. So I start taking them again to ward off the depression caused by the pain which makes the pain worse. Or I just get depressed or stressed so I start them again. I have also had people notice I wasn't taking them and this too has caused me to start taking them.
     For the last three or four years my problem has not so much been a conscious desire to stop the pills I just seem to forget and after a few days just don't start up again. The side effects make it difficult when constantly stopping and starting because I have to get used to them all over again. I have tried all sorts of things to help me remember; pill boxes, setting an alarm on my phone or an alarm clock, setting them right by my bed or on the kitchen counter. It helps for a while but then I just forget again. I get busy or can't remember if I took them and don't want to take another dose and be sick. It is frustrating, I know I need them to do my best in school. What's more, I know I need them to be the best mommy I can be. I feel guilty and even ashamed when I forget and go off them. I usually hide it; there is a certain amount of fear that I will be judged poorly because I can't seem to stay on them.
     I am I am not sure what the answer to my problem is but to keep trying and to go back on them every time I quit. I currently find myself starting them again, I have been trying since New Years to start them and stay on them consistently. A lot of things have changed in my life recently and I know I need them now more than ever. Yet I find that coping with the side effects while coping with the changes and extra stress contributes to my failure. :( I have lost many battles in this war but I am determined not to give up on the war.