Looking For A Man Who’s A Little More Country Than That

      As I dive back into the dating game I have started to evaluate what I am looking for in a man. In large part because I am preparing my profile on Match.com and I want to attract the right type of man without seeming overly picky. I can enumerate the qualities I would like to avoid, a sort of been there done that list, but that would probably make guys think I am witchy. Though really is it so much to ask of a guy that he: not be commitment phobic, be able to go to restaurants and other places without too much anxiety, not belittle himself or other people, not take issue with the fact that I might have more education than him, have some common sense, isn’t looking for an instant family and dating me just because I have a child, and regularly pays his bills. Call me crazy but I don’t think this list is going to attract too many guys for me.

      So I have decided to try and write it in a more positive light…I am hoping for a little (read a lot) of help from my friends in this task. When I think about what I want in a man the song “A Little More Country Than That” by Easton Corbin, it describes a man who would be more comfortable with small town life than big city life. He is honest, loyal, and doesn’t play around with a woman’s feelings. He is in it for the commitment and when he makes that commitment he intends to keep it. Sure there are other things I want in man but these are the most basic things put in the most positive light. I still have to write my Match.com profile and will take all the advice I can get.


A Little More Country Than That
By Easton Corbin

Imagine a dirt road full of pot holes
With a creek bank and some cane poles
Catching channel cat
I’m a little more country than that

Picture a small town with an old hound
Laying out front of the court house
While the old men chew the fat
I’m a little more country than that

I just want to make sure you know just who you’re getting under this old hat
Cause girl I’m not the kind to two time or play games behind your back
I’m a little more country than that

Think of a hank song from days gone
With a steel ride that’s so strong
It sends chills up your back
I’m a little more country than that

If you want a brick home in a school zone
With the doors locked and alarms on
Girl, you’re way off track
I’m a little more country than that

I just want to make sure you know just who you’re getting under this old hat
Cause girl I’m not the kind to two time or play games behind your back
I’m a little more country than that
Yeah, I’m sure that you’ve heard those three words from Others
But they fell flat
But this ring ain’t something that I mean to give you
And then take back
I’m a little more country than that
I’m a little more country than that
I’m a little more country than that

Why I Am Going To My High School Reunion.

I recently received an invitation (Facebook invite) for my 15 year class reunion which has led to some interesting conversations with friends I graduated with about reasons to go or not go. As this is my blog I will only discuss my own opinions and reservations about the matter. I am sure people many people will be able to identify with what I am saying. Reunions bring up all sorts of issues; I wasn’t popular in high school. I was one of the ones that got made fun of all the time, looking back I can kind of understand why, it wasn’t hard to get a rise out of me. And I wasn’t from the area; I started school halfway through freshman year. After a while I didn’t even bother to try getting along with others or getting them to like me I was bitchy, it was a defense mechanism after all it’s easier to accept they don’t like you if you know (or think you know) why they don’t like you. By the end of high school I didn’t bother to let anyone get close enough to really get to know me or become friends. For me high school was hell and I was happy when it was over, I couldn't put enough distance between myself and that place.

Yet when the "invite"(more word of mouth) for my 10 year class reunion came I wasn’t hesitant to go, like I am now. I guess because I felt my life was in a better place, I could show them they were wrong about me. I could show them I wasn't the person they thought I was, though looking back now I am not really sure what they thought about me. Anyway five years ago I was about 50lbs lighter than I am now, which was thinner than I was in high school. This is perhaps my biggest issue, I hate how heavy I am and how I look right now.

Five years ago I was starting Law School and had a successful marriage minded boyfriend. What I didn’t know is that about a month after the reunion that my seemingly marriage minded boyfriend would announce the weekend before I started Law School that he got a promotion in another state, was moving, breaking up with me, and in spite of everything he had told me was never sure how he felt about me. Needless to say this did not make for a successful start to school, add to it learning disabilities and not having the proper documentation for testing accommodations and long story short my first year didn’t go so well. It ended even messier but that is a tale to be told another day. I ended up giving Law School a second try and I am now a 3L, which means I am a student without a job or a career. Sure I have the potential for a career but that doesn’t feel like much of an accomplishment.

In the years between my first go round with Law School and my second I became a single mother. My daughter is my pride and joy but still I feel a certain lacking for my lack of a relationship or marriage. I rarely even date, I could blame it on being a single mother and a full time student but the truth is that as of late I haven’t even tried. I have made a couple of questionable choices when it comes to men in the past and I not sure I trust myself in that arena anymore.

None of this makes for good what have you been up to conversation and so I am hesitant to go to the reunion. But I am going because it’s not about showing anyone they were wrong about me. Or showing who great and wonderful my life has turned out…even if it has turned out pretty great. As I grown older and talked to more of the people I went to school with I have realized that high school wasn’t a picnic for most of them either. Everyone had their own set of problems. So I will go and enjoy the day with a few friends and what is essentially a bunch of strangers and maybe I will make a few new friends. It will be another exercise in letting go of past hurt and the self-destructive methods of self-preservation I developed. 15 years after high school I have learned that I need to make an effort and let people in, if I am to set a healthy example for my child and a healthy pattern for my life.

To Party Or Not To Party

     I have never liked hosting parties. You put all sorts of effort into planning, inviting people, cleaning house, making food and all the other stuff that goes with giving a party. Then on the day of the party you sit and wait for guest to arrive, this is the part I hate the most. There are always those few friends that you know, if they said they would be there, will be there barring exceptional circumstances. But with the rest of the guest you’re left sitting there thinking will they arrive and what if they don’t, how should you feel about that… I have had way too many experiences of people not showing up, so much in fact that I rarely bother to throw parties anymore. In recent years I have limited the parties I have hosted to birthday parties for my daughter, people are usually a little bit more consistent when RSVPing and showing up to a child’s party.

     I was recently convinced to be break my general rule against hosting parties, my sister recently became a Pure Romance consultant and I agreed to host her first party. So I set about planning, inviting, and generally preparing. I went around talking to people and seemed to have a good amount of interest. Going into the weekend I was hopeful and being hopeful I set about baking brownies and cakes. I bought cookies, wine, and fruit in anticipation. I was expecting around ten people what I got was three. Normally I would have let this depress me and prevent me from enjoying myself; however, this time I had prepared myself and I was determined to have a good time no matter what happened. And that’s exactly what I did, in the end it didn’t matter that only three guest came because I didn’t let it bother me. My sister gave a great presentation and we all just had fun with it, it turns out that the people who didn’t come were the ones who lost out not me. Does this mean I am chomping at the bit to have another party…no not really but I find I am also not as opposed to the idea.

     Which is probably a good thing because my daughter’s 3rd birthday is coming up.

Why I flip the radio station when they start talking.

     I heard something on the other day on the radio that reminded me why I dislike 95% of all radio personality. I was listening to the radio and the DJ/Host came on talking about a jury verdict in a case where a man sued the Royals after he suffered a detached retina from getting hit in the eye by a hot dog thrown by the team mascot. Apparently the jury found against the plaintiff and the host found the whole thing joke worthy. All I could think is laughs at someone getting a torn retina...how is that funny...and how is the fact that he has had suffer the cost on top of the injury funny. Maybe it's me, maybe I just don't have a sense of humor.

     The whole thing reminded me of a things in the past that had me turning off the radio or changing the station every time they started talking. One of those things was the infamous McDonald's coffee case, the never ending jokes and gross misrepresentation of the facts kept me entrenched in my CDs for ages. Even now when I hear a comment or joke about that case my esteem for the speaker plummets and I change the station. So few of those who talked/joked most about it took the time to educate themselves about it.

   Another incident happened while I was in college in Kearney Nebraska, a high school girl was abducted from the local mall. It was talked about constantly by local TV and radio, the girl was instrumental in her own rescue. She managed to leave clues and sneak phone calls to her family and police. When she finally returned home she declined to answer questions, the radio personalities turned on her. They talked about how she "owed" them an interview, they had (in their overly inflated opinion) kept her story in the lime light, and now, according to them, she owed them. It was revolting and after that I kept the radio off for months.

   Over the years there has been plenty of other things to give me pause...homophobic comments...jokes made at the expense of people or groups. Personally with the exception of a few radio personalities the whole lot of them could be replace by a computer personality. However, as that is not likely to happen anytime soon I will just continue to change the station when they start talking or listen to my CDs.

Eczema is the new evil word in my household!

So my daughter has had what I thought was a diaper rash for nearly four weeks now. For the first two weeks I treated it with over the counter product. It would get better for a little bit but then get really bad again until her skin was cracked and pealing. I provided the daycare with Pampers brand diapers and again there was improvement. After two weeks I took her to the pediatrician who prescribed an oral medication and special Butte Paste. Again there was improvement but not enough. After giving her the medication for the two weeks it was prescribed her skin was still peeling and cracking. And to make it worse she was scratching at it. So I took her to a dermatologist, turns out that she had a diaper rash and it caused the eczema to flair up. I knew there was a chance she would have eczema, her “dad” had it, she had some signs when she was smaller but the pediatrician said it was just baby eczema and she would grow out of it.

Doesn't look like she is going to just grow out of it. :-( So now we have a prescription for a steroid cream and have begun a round of testing what products will be right for her. I am determined to make her as comfortable as possible. I am also determined that my child will not run around scratching her skin off. For now I have trimmed back her nails and dress her so she can’t scratch…I am thinking a nice pair of fuzzy-silky gloves.

UPDATE: Between medical treatment and potty training we managed to get the Eczema cleared up and have not had a relapse!

Confessional: Giving Karma a Helping Hand

     Everyone has done something in their life, at one time or another, that probably wasn’t very nice but they for whatever reason don’t regret. Perhaps the most devious, possibly wicked, thing I have ever done was get a coworker evicted from his apartment…terrible I know but he deserved it.

     I had a coworker who was a real jerk. Even though we had the same job description and duties, he never did his share of the work. I was always cleaning up his messes. He took all sorts of smoke breaks and conversation breaks, he was a slacker and he got away with it because him mother was friends with our supervisor. I put up with all of this and more without ever complaining to the supervisor.

     He had recently moved out of his parents’ home and gotten a dog. He was constantly bragging about how he had a no pets lease but was keeping the dog in the apartment. The one time he nearly got caught he lied and told them he was dog sitting. He was so smug that he got away with it and thought he was above rules. He bragged that the dog was tearing up the apartment, peeing everywhere, and even had fleas. But what did he care he was above the rules.

     Mind you I never would have done what I ended up doing it if it weren’t for the fact that he verbally attacked me several times and made it personal. I didn’t feel my direct supervisor would do anything because of her friendship with his mother. So when I noticed one day that he left a bill on his desk I copied down the address. About a week later I made up an excuse to ask him the name of the management company and he freely gave it to me. I went back and forth about what I would do with the information until about a week before I left that job. He got particularly ugly with me one day and that sealed the deal. I wrote a letter to his landlord letting them know about the dog and his willingness to lie. I found out a week after I left my job that he had been evicted. To this day I can’t help but smile when I think about it. He deserved what he got; I just gave Karma a helping hand to speed the process up. I also found out he eventually got himself fired…I smiled at that as well.

     Life lesson don’t mess with someone who’s smarter that you are.

Reloading my life

     Tonight I am reloading my life to my laptop for what I am hoping is the last time for at least the next three years…
     I bought HP Pavilion Entertainment PC at Best Buy in Jan 2010, it was supposed to be the best I could get the top of the line. So I began to load my life to it, everything important went on it. After 4 months the power supply burned out, so I went to Best Buy expecting them to do something for me, turns out all they could do was order one. When I asked what I was supposed to do while waiting for it their solution purchase one to use till I get the new one. Then I got the new one and it didn't work, they had to order another. It was almost a month total to get one that worked. Then at 5 months I began to have problems with the key board and had intermittent internet problems. So I deleted my life from it and took it to Best Buy so they could send it off to replace the key board and update the bios. I got it back and once again loaded my life back on to it.
     Then at 9 nine months trouble hit again, the screen began to freeze up and I had to hard restart it. I did ever fix I could think of, then every fix the HP website suggested. Then I let the school techs work on it. The fixes seemed to work for a while but then it got worse. At 11 months I was restarting upwards of 20 times a day. So again I deleted my life and took it to Best Buy, I told them I needed it back ASAP, their response was to keep it for a week in house and then send it out. They were kind enough to recommend that I purchase a laptop to use while they worked on mine and then return it when I got mine back. Basically they replaced everything inside to fix the problem.
     To add insult to injury while they had my good laptop the power supply for my old laptop burned out and I had given the spare to my ex to use while we were dating. So because I didn’t have the heart to ask him to give it back when we broke up I ended up having to buy a new one.
     When I finally got my laptop back I was leery about reloading my life, I found myself hesitating. Turns out it was with good cause. At 12 months the replacement charger I purchased (and kept) burned out, then a piece of the trim splintered off. At 13 months I took it back to Best Buy again because the power jack was loose and in needed to be repaired so they told me they could send it off to be fixed but I need my laptop for school...they just didn't get the fact that I am in Law School and my laptop is my life.
     Again they gave me the same stupid suggestion...purchase one to use then return it when I got mine back. Well if any of the moron's at Best Buy would like to tell me where to get the money to do that considering I live off of student loans I would have been happy to do so...but I sure wouldn’t be purchasing another from Best Buy. They also didn't see any problem with the fact that 2 power supplies associated with the laptop had burned out. When I pointed out that I couldn't put personal information on it because I was always waiting to hand it over to them a stupid comment about just backing up was made as if it would solve the inconvenience of having to remove personal info before giving it to them. So I left the store extremely mad with my laptop. The next day I decided to call the manager and complain to him before calling corporate. I was surprised to find him sympathetic and understanding of my frustration. He agreed to trade the laptop in fulfillment of the warranty. So now I have a new ASUS laptop and I am in the process of loading my life to it!

Bored...Bored...Bored...

I am sitting in class bored out of my mind, wishing I was anywhere but where I am at. I must work on maintaining my attention span and controlling my urge to entertain myself...I made a comment on my ex's blog one day while bored, the comment was relevant and true, I didn't say anything mean so I am all good there. But the problem was why I made the comment...I did it to get a rise out of him, to sort of niggle him, the anger filled tone of the blog combined with the fact it was a rant about not appreciating how someone was doing something outside that made noise early in the morning just sort of egged me on. I try to be better than some of my impulse urges, I try not to pick on or pick at other people but I am human and I fail. Right now I am trying not to find his response to my comments so darn funny...it's wrong to take pleasure or find amusement in a situation where you were probably in the wrong to start with...isn't it? I did repent my misdeed in a response to his blog responding to my comments, which hasn't shown up in the comments section yet. [Guessing that means he didn't really mean it when he said to feel free to make your point below. :shrugh:] I admitted it was wrong of me to poke....but I didn't recant any of my previous comments.


Lesson to be learn resist impulse urges to occasionally be juvenile and poke at someone to get a rise out of them because that rise might be funny. Even if the results are as amusing as you thought they would be.
Sometimes being a grown up and being nice isn't very fun...booooo ;)


Live and Learn ;-)




Did I mention I am seriously bored out of my mind.

My Best Friend

I can honestly say that I am not sure if circumstances were different that I would be best friends with my best friend. In our younger years our interests and personalities were so different that a friendship just didn’t make sense. We spent a lot of time fighting and not particularly liking each other. Yet when it mattered we stuck together; no one could come between us for very long.

Over time we have developed some similar interest is things like TV and books but for the most part our interest are still pretty different. We are both mommies and so that gives us something to bond over. As with our interest there are facets to our personalities that have grown to be quite similar, there are times where we think so alike it is almost as if we share a brain. But then there are things we think so differently about that it leaves us wondering about the others sanity/common sense/etc. We still have times where we fight and don’t like each other. We still stick together; no one can come between us for very long.

So I bet your wondering why we are friends. Well it’s because we didn’t choose to be friends it was determined by our birth. She is my sister; neither of us chose to be playmates or friends but we were forced to by circumstance of being born to the same parents. Personally I think I was lucky because if we weren’t sisters I would have missed out on a pretty fabulous best friend.

I will learn not to let it bother me

     So I recently found out that my ex has a blog and curiosity got the better of me...I read some of his postings. It didn't take long for me to realize that this was a bad idea. You see when we broke up he de-friended me and proceeded to trash/make fun of me on Facebook. He also called me a name (rhyme's with witch) on a posting that another friend was linked on. He accused me of doing the same but I never did. I try not to say things about people or make fun of them, I have had to much experience being on the receiving end of that sort of behavior. Apparently time has not made him rethink this tactic. At Christmas time he sent me a nice message wishing me and my family a Merry Christmas, unfortunately it was right before my hardest final, I was already on edge and it just sent me over. I told him that I wasn't ready to extend the olive branch, acknowledged his message was nice but that the timing was not good for me. Then wished him and his family a Merry Christmas. Another time  I received a piece of mail for him and wrote to ask the forwarding address. I also took the opportunity to tell him I mentioned him in my blog and invited him to provide input if he found it out of line. So imagine my surprise when I read this:

     This morning, there was a message in my inbox from my most recent ex. She had blogged about a fight we had months ago, and her struggle with compromise. It was not vitriolic, it didn't set me off or even upset me. What DID upset me was that the last time I had reached out to this particular ex, a short note to wish her and her family a merry Christmas, I was harshly rebuffed for adding undue stress to her while she was preparing for finals. I shrugged, muttered something about a horse she rode in on, and went on with my life.

     It really makes it seem like I contacted him just to tell him about the blog and that I was rude in my response to him at Christmas time. Which I don't think I was, I took great pains not to be. Also he completely missed the point of the blog I wrote which was about communication difficulties not a struggle with compromise. So my question is why does it bother me? Why should I care what he makes me out to be? Or whether he calls me names and makes fun of me? Why do I still care? I can't answer these questions, maybe I am overly sensitive from years of being made fun of and being picked on growing up. Whatever the answer is doesn't matter, what matters is that I am determined to stop letting it bother me.

[I will not provide a link to his blog or his name. This is not about trashing him. It is about a life lesson I need to learn.]

UPDATE: Because it was bothering me, I was up at 2:30am, and I just couldn't leave it alone...

ME: Given that every other comment has been removed [there were 9 other comments all removed, 4 of which were by him] I expect this one to be as well. But I thought I would set the record straight.

1. I wrote you the note because I received mail for you at my house. I took the opportunity to tell you about the blog and invite you to provide feedback if you felt I was unjust to you.

2. The blog was about communication problems not my struggle with compromise...something you seemed to understand in your private response to me.

3. I acknowledged your message at Christmas time was nice but that the timing was not good for me. That I was not ready. I also wished you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. It came just before what was probably the hardest exam I have had yet in Law School. An exam that would decide my grade in the class, I was stressed. [Given all that was said and done between us, I think I had the right to not be ready to act like it was nothing.]

HIM: The other comments have been removed by the authors of the comments, not the author of the blog.

1. True, and I wasn't offended at all. You weren't unjust to me in any way shape, or form.

2. True, I misspoke.

3. Fair enough.

The only reason any of it was mentioned here at all is that it got me into the conversation that led to this post. I didn't mean to misrepresent things or shed a bad light on you.


ME: Okay...not even going to ask how our relationship has anything to do with the battle of the sexes. Like I said just wanted to set the record straight. 


Personally I feel like, even if it was simply a matter of being careless in relating the details it is still a bit hurtful because I take great pains to insure I am providing a fair and accurate picture.

My stress is her stress...

     The other day I found myself in a car driving around lost, I was trying to get somewhere I had never been before and my GPS was a bit unclear in its instructions (at least as far as I was concerned). I was stressed and it didn’t help that I had fussy toddler in the backseat crying and yelling at me. When it all got to be too much I snapped at her to just stop it and be quiet. Her response surprised me, though still fussing she told me “You need to calm down mommy, I need to calm down.” Talk about a wakeup call, my stress levels over being unable to find my destination and her fussing was actually causing her to fuss even more. So I calmed down and from the back seat her little voice rang out “I did it, mommy, I dried my tears, I calmed down.”

     Apparently this lesson didn’t stick with me very long as I found myself frustrated the very next morning trying to get her dressed for daycare. The more frustrated and harder I tried to get her up and dressed the more obstinate and willful she became. I finally took a deep breath sat back and started asking her what she wanted instead of trying to just get her dressed. After that things just began to fall into place, she choose a dress, then to have her hair in “tigtails”, and then to put her tights on. The calmer I stayed the easier it was to get her ready. I also notice that dropping her off at daycare was less of a struggle when we were both calm. It is really an easy lesson…my stress and emotions feed into my child’s stress and emotions…she gives instant feedback of the emotions she is getting from me.

     At two she is learning to be stressed, anxious, and a bit high strung from me and that’s not how I want her to approach life and unfamiliar situations. So now I have to teach myself to calm down and approach situations that cause me anxiety and stress with at least an outward appearance of calm. As her mommy it is my job to provide a stable and loving base for her to come back to as she explores her world and asserts her independence. Having a child has made me start thinking about what I think about myself and my self-esteem, what example am I setting for her. How can I expect to help her grow a good self-esteem and confidence in herself if I don’t set those examples? I never realized that raising a child was so complicated.

It's not a compromise if the other side doesn't know it's a compromise.

     I was talking with someone very near and dear to me, my older sister, about relationships and my current lack there of. She pointed out to me what she believes to be one of my biggest faults...my seeming inability to compromise. Now I am well aware of the fact that I am set in my ways and I like to have things to be a certain way but I also know I am capable of compromise even if my family doesn't think so. So I took this topic up with my counselor and the conclusion I have come to is that my problem is not an inability to compromise, rather it is the fact that I make the compromises without ever making the other party aware that for me it is a compromise.
     Normally I try to avoid talking about my ex's but it really is the best way for me to illustrate my problem in particular my most recent relationship. I was moving into a new house and my ex was supposed to move in with me, I wanted him to feel like it was his home too and so I asked his opinion on paint colors. Now truth be told I didn't really want his opinion and didn't really expect him to give one. I was just asking to be nice, but it backfired and he actually offered up his opinion. When we started to choose the color for the master bedroom he was quick to tell me that he liked the idea of blue, which was nowhere near what I had in mind but wanting to make things work I made the compromise that it would be a shade of blue without ever telling him that I didn't want or really like blue at all. I selected a darker shade of blue-gray and presented it to him. He didn't like it, he felt it was to dark, and he wanted a shade of light blue. We went around and around this issue, I remember thinking how annoying and unfair it was that he expected me to paint the room a light shade of blue when it's really not a color I like very much. He accused me of being uncompromising and I am sure that from his point of view I was.

     Our problem stemmed from the fact that I hadn't told him my feelings about the color or that I would compromise by going with a darker shade of blue-gray. I was actually hurt by the fact he thought I was so uncompromising. After a while he became reluctant to even express his opinion because as he said I wasn't going to agree anyways so what was the point. We had a communication problem or rather I had a communication problem. My failure to express my feelings about the color was causing fights. It was during one of these fights that he was finally informed my choice of blue-gray was my compromise after which he asked me what color I really wanted. I wanted a darker purple-gray color, sort of amethyst , so we settled on that color. 

     And the battle began again, the shade I wanted was to dark for him, again I was accused of being uncompromising. By this point there was much animosity, as well as hurt feelings, brewing on both sides and he actually made an ultimatum that he would not live in a room painted as dark as I wanted. It was at that moment I made perhaps one of the biggest compromises ever in our relationship without him even realizing it. Under 99% of circumstance I absolutely do not accept ultimatums but in this case I did and I compromised. I agreed to a color that was still not as light as he wanted but half-way between what he wanted and I wanted. For me this was huge and yet still he found me uncompromising. I continued to fail to communicate my opinions and feelings about many little issues and so when I wouldn't compromise went against what he wanted I came across as uncompromising. In spite of the many little compromises I made along the way.
     The lesson I have learned from all of this…communication is key…and while you may be making compromises you can expect another person to view your choices as compromise if you don't properly communicate that while you want X you will do Y because that’s what they want.

The Medication War

     I have know that I have ADHD since I was five years old and that I have Bipolar Disorder since I was thirteen, growing up I took medication for the ADHD. I rarely missed a dose and I never went off of it at least until the doctor took me off when I was about fourteen. Of course back then I had my mother to remind me to take it. I didn't start taking medication for my Bipolar until I was nineteen, I took it faithfully for about four years. Then like many people who have this disorder I began to skip doses or just go off my medication for months at a time. The medications keep me level, almost complacent, I don't feel the extreme lows or highs when I am on it. Over time I begin to miss feeling something more than the complacency or I begin feel to like I don't need the medication because I am doing good. Yes I know, logically, that the medication is why I am doing good but still I stop taking it. It is a hard thing accepting you will have to take medication everyday for the rest of your life just to strive to be normal.
     Invariably something happens that cause me to start taking it again. I have multiple physical health problems and have had surgery, I find that I tend to handle the pain better when I am on my medication. So I start taking them again to ward off the depression caused by the pain which makes the pain worse. Or I just get depressed or stressed so I start them again. I have also had people notice I wasn't taking them and this too has caused me to start taking them.
     For the last three or four years my problem has not so much been a conscious desire to stop the pills I just seem to forget and after a few days just don't start up again. The side effects make it difficult when constantly stopping and starting because I have to get used to them all over again. I have tried all sorts of things to help me remember; pill boxes, setting an alarm on my phone or an alarm clock, setting them right by my bed or on the kitchen counter. It helps for a while but then I just forget again. I get busy or can't remember if I took them and don't want to take another dose and be sick. It is frustrating, I know I need them to do my best in school. What's more, I know I need them to be the best mommy I can be. I feel guilty and even ashamed when I forget and go off them. I usually hide it; there is a certain amount of fear that I will be judged poorly because I can't seem to stay on them.
     I am I am not sure what the answer to my problem is but to keep trying and to go back on them every time I quit. I currently find myself starting them again, I have been trying since New Years to start them and stay on them consistently. A lot of things have changed in my life recently and I know I need them now more than ever. Yet I find that coping with the side effects while coping with the changes and extra stress contributes to my failure. :( I have lost many battles in this war but I am determined not to give up on the war.

Thank you, I don't require your opinion of my career choice.

     Ever since I made the decision to go to law school I have noticed something interesting...everyone has an opinion about lawyers and they feel the need to share those opinions once they find out you are even considering law school. In addition to their opinions you will also hear every lawyer joke ever told ad nauseum. This wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for the overwhelming negativity. It gets tiring listening to people enumerate the evils of my chosen profession. I actually once had a guy respond with “I’m sorry” when I told him that I was going to law school, he felt that strongly about lawyers. I have come to the conclusion that everyone (well at least the vast majority) hate lawyers that is until they need one. Though, at least one of my classmates would suggest that people hate lawyers even when they need them, maybe even more so because they need them.

      Day in and day out I am subjected to opinions about what people think are the latest frivolous lawsuits..."can you believe that person hired a lawyer"...and so on. Personally I reserve judgment on (potential) cases because I don't have all the facts or the expertise to say whether there is a potentially valid claim. I know that the media never has all of the facts and it is pointless to speculate based on what they provide. Even in cases that are being or have been litigated the media rarely has or gives all the facts. I also know that there are rules that govern the profession of law designed to prevent or discourage so called frivolous law suits, that's not to say they don't happen, but I am generally willing to give the attorney's the benefit of the doubt. Is that an optimistic/idealistic take on the situation? Yeah probably so but then again that’s why I am in law school. I am optimistic about my ability to help people; it’s why I am becoming a lawyer.

      I think the real problem is that lawyers get the blame for a lot of things that they don’t even decide, such as the amount of damages awarded in cases. Yes they ask for exorbitant amounts, it’s their job to get the most they can for their clients. What is not their job is actually determining the damages awarded, that is left in the hands of the jury or the judge. Furthermore, most cases end up settling for far less than the awarded damages, just because the jury says you get ten million doesn’t mean you actually do. Cases can drag on for years in the appeals process, so a favorable verdict may actually only result in a post judgment settlement.

      Lawyers also get the blame for things like high insurance rates as if law suits are the cause of your car or home owners’ insurance company charging you more money. People fail to think about the fact that if an insurance company made the claims process easier and fairer there might not be a need for a lawyer to get involved. Instead insurance companies have set up a system designed to avoid paying as much as possible. Lawyers are brought into the process to protect the rights of the injured party to think about their interest rather than the insurance company’s bottom line. Also risk of high damage awards in certain fields, like medical malpractice, and certain areas of the country, i.e. Saint Clair and Madison County IL, drive up insurance premiums. If you want to place blame maybe you should put it on the shoulders of the insurance company who fails to provide a fair and just settlement. Or on the shoulders of the jury who hand out the excessive awards because it is after all it’s the insurance company’s money not a real persons.

      Really the bottom line...I get it people think lawyers are evil...they also think being a lawyer means you’re rich...I don't need you to keep telling me over and over. Especially when it’s just not true. Many lawyers are really in it to help people and to protect people’s rights. And MOST lawyers are not rich but are struggling to make it just like everyone else.

I hope you have one just like you....

      Who among us doesn't remember having their mother or father say those fate-full words to them while growing up. Usually it was when you had done something rotten or were being particularly difficult. My mother said it to me frequently when I was growing up and she got her wish. It was apparent from the moment she was born that my daughter was going to be just like me. She looks so much like me that it would be impossible for me to deny her, if you lay our baby pictures side-by-side you might be hard pressed in picking who is who. She does have a few physical differences such as her hair is darker than mine was at that age, her eyes are blue, and more importantly she is taller that I was at that age.
     The major portion of her personality is night and day compared to mine, she is a genuinely happy little girl whereas I was a somber child. That being said in every other respect my mother has gotten her wish...she is just like me. She is sweet, loving, opinionated, strong willed, stubborn, hard headed, determined...in short a handful. And I wouldn't want her to be any other way. I know that raising her will be a challenge and at times I might even wish she was an easier child but I also know that the challenge will be a rewarding one.


*** She also has the same opposition to change that I do, she likes her routine and does not take kindly when something changes it.

Chatter Box

     I have mentioned that I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder as a result I find myself to be socially awkward. One of my biggest problems is that I have a tendency to talk too much. There are a number of reasons behind my tendency to talk so much, such as paranoid or insecure thoughts about what other people are thinking about me. (Social Anxiety) I just seem to have a hard time sitting in silence with people that I don't know very well or that I am meeting for the first time. Interestingly enough I often find myself worrying about annoying people when I am talking too much, I worry that they dislike me, find me boring, or obnoxious. The more I focus on these concerns the more anxious I become and the more I tend to talk. It is only made worse by people who don't seem to contribute to the conversation because I find myself trying to fill the gaps and trying to draw out information/conversation from them.
     Other causes of my tendency to talk to much are every day anxiety, manic moods, and hyper-active periods where I experience racing thoughts. During these times I am usually going a mile a minute and may not always be conscious of the impression I am giving people. Everything in my mind is going so fast and I am processing so much information that I tend to just talk, it is almost like an effort to let it all out. During these times I may also skip from topic to topic and return to previous topics as some thought about it pops into my mind, making my conversations difficult to follow. Spending too much time by myself or without another adult to talk to makes it worse, it is almost like I am making up for lost time.
     Last but not least my tendency to talk too much may actually be caused by depression and fear. In the case of depression it must be caused by some recent event in my life to trigger excessive talking and not just a natural lull in my mood. I don't handle major changes to my life very well. I tend face it with a certain amount of fear, particularly fear of failure. When something big happens in my life I tend to obsess and try and talk it out. Unfortunately this means that friends, family, and if the situation is bad/stressful enough strangers are subjected to my ramblings. I turn to other people for their input as to what to do, or what went wrong, seeking to find what is wrong with me that whatever it is happened, or seeking reassurance that I did the right thing, or even on occasion that I did the wrong thing. I seek comfort in others and look for others to share the sort of "it could be worse" experiences, or "you’re lucky it wasn't worse". I am trying to learn to control these tendencies but it seems to be almost a compulsion for me I need and crave others input in sorting out major events.
     No matter what the reason is; the result, depending on the topic of conversation, is often the same people who don’t know me and aren’t really interested in getting to know me think me to be self-centered, self-obsessed, or even nosey due to my attempts to engage them in the conversation. My tendency to share stories that relate to others stories has been mistaken for an attempt to show up others, when in reality it usually is my awkward attempt to relate to that person through similar experiences.
     As a result I tend to stick to a small group of friends, people who have gotten used to me and are comfortable enough to tell me to stop talking. I have few close friends and many acquaintances. I often to give people a chance to get close to me because I tend to operate on the assumption that most people wont like or understand me. For me a simple conversation is rarely just that, my head is always filled with swirling thoughts that I can't seem to control and so for one reason or another I end up talking...usually too much.

Letting go of Expectations

     We all have expectations as to how things will go, sometimes it is an over all life plan other times it is a single day or event. Today was my daughters first day at daycare and I had plans as to how things were going to go. Those plans included what she was going to wear and how long it would take to get ready to go. What I didn't plan on was my 2 year old daughter having an opinion about what she would wear for the day, beyond the normal requirement that it be a dress, nor did I plan on her completely rejecting my choice.
     As a result of my short-sightedness I also failed to plan on the amount of time the struggle to get her dressed would take. Followed by the time it took for her to tell me what she would wear and then get her dressed all over again. All of which meant we didn't have the leisurely drop off at daycare I had planned, where maybe I would have gotten a picture. Instead I walked away with the memory of her happily announcing to the room that she had her "squares" on. Yet even though it didn't turn out as I expected I wouldn't change it...because she was happy and thats all that really mattered.
     Today turned out to be another lesson in learning to let go of my own expectations of how things ought to go and accepting how they go as being meant to be. For me this is yet another lesson in life having my daughter is teaching me. So I wonder have you learned this lesson? And if so what taught you?

The outfit mommy selected.

The outfit she selected and wore.

No TV's in the Bedroom...?

       Some time ago I read an article about how having a TV in the bedroom can be bad for you and your relationship. I don't currently have a relationship so that part doesn't apply to me. Anyway the article talked about how it can make insomnia worse because your brain no longer associates going to bed with sleeping...if I remember correctly it also advised against reading in bed for similar reasons. I have had issues with insomnia for most of my adult life and I have had a TV in my bedroom off and on through the years. I decided when I started law school that I wasn't going to have a TV in my room or keep my laptop in my room. I slowly found that I was watching TV or getting on my computer in the middle of the night less and less. If I had trouble sleeping I would read a little or listen to my iPod which is usually on a book. Over all I found it beneficial not having a TV in my room.
     However I have recently found my opinion on the matter shifting, like when my daughter is wide awake at 4am and wants to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or a  movie. On the mornings where I can't coax her to go back to sleep or to lay quietly in mommy's bed and play her game, I end up sitting on the couch with her right up next to me. She watches the TV while I learn to sleep through the noise. Which has me thinking why not stay in my cozy bed while still being with her as she watches her cartoons? So I gave it a test run. I wasn't feeling well and she wanted to watch her show, so using my laptop I let her watch her MMC DVD in my room while I caught a cat nap. Aside from her incessant need to be touching me with her foot it wasn't that bad. Of course now she wants to watch movies in mommy's bed all the time and the only problem I can see with this is that it currently requires the use of my laptop.
     So I have devised a plan, which will free up my laptop and please her all while keeping me from being tempted by late night TV. I am going to put a small TV in my room hooked to a 5 disk DVD player that I can fill with her shows/movies. It will not be hooked up to cable, which wont even be a temptation seeing as none of the bedrooms in my house have cable connections. I must admit I find it ironic that my desire to improve my sleep led me to do away with a TV in the bedroom and now that same desire coupled with a two year old has me inviting the TV back in.

Mickey Mouse Club House: Donald's Lost Lion...My Name is Earl

     Being a mother of a two year old I watch a lot of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, it is currently my daughter's favorite. I have begun to notice that this cartoon which is supposed to be teaching my child good things often sets bad examples. After having watched "Donald's Lost Lion" four or five times I began to be disturbed by the fact that Donald Duck has run around with Sparky his stuffed lion reeking havoc and apparently moving on to the next victim. [He causes Daisy to lose her sunglasses, Minnie's cat Figaro to run up a tree, and Goofy to break his surf board.] When we come in on the story Donald has lost Sparky and Mickey Mouse is aiding him in his search.
     I can't help comparing Donald's search to Earl's attempts to change his karma  in "My Name is Earl". He must go around repairing the damage he has done before he can find Sparky. Which I suppose is a good lesson for children to learn, but still I can't help thinking that it would be a better lesson if Donald had apologized and shown remorse when he actually caused the damage. It seems to me that the only reason he ends up helping repair the damage he has caused is because Mickey Mouse is helping him search for Sparky. I can offer plenty of other examples of undesirable behavior being re-enforced by Mickey Mouse Clubhouse but that might take all day.


Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is that adults are not meant to watch these cartoons.